Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I have so many questions.
my name if I was in the mob
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?