Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating