Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
A short story about romance.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Lassie, get help!
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
went fishing caught a bass
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Good morning.