MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You Might Also Like
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Happy weekend !
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?