“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate