Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Okey dokey.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.