Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first