mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.