I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
this is the best interaction on twitter
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
first you must answer his riddles
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”