All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
You Might Also Like
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.