MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Damn what did I do next
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
smartest karate player in the world