[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*