Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
nyc:
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.