“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
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Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.