Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
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[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?