Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser