Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.