Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
You Might Also Like
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.