Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
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[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
No laws when master is gone
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY