Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes