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@SaltyCorpse: The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don't accidentally burn their eyes. I went to school with asbestos...
@iwearaonesie: wife: What's the best moment of your life? me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
@RealDMK: Daughter (5): "Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline" Me: "Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"
@thetigersez: My brother's girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana's ashes, this is the best night of my life