Monday
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Monica just destroyed the internet
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Here’s a meme
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.