Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
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All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.