@TheReal_AndyMac: Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N' Slide. So you do the math.
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@EyeSeeYou619: [first date] HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
@sarcasticmommy4: My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt. You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?