Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.