Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
asked my bf how work was today
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Ferrari squats
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.