Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
You Might Also Like
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Tough love is true love
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.