Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
This a good idea
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.