Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.