Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
oh you wanna fight?!
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
where do you see yourself in five years?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal