“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really