[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
You Might Also Like
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
how to have an accident 101
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
at ease…shoulder.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678