*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.