“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Wait for it
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.