More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Encore…
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole