@MariyaAlexander: More "kills" on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is.... American Swiper.
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@badbanana: People overlook Dracula's positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
@stephenjmolloy: Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?" Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
@MarfSalvador: Cop: My informant told me where the killer is Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name? Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that