@MariyaAlexander: More "kills" on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is.... American Swiper.
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@theshantilly: Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You're staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There's a leaf in it.
@murrman5: [robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle [me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
@CelebrityChez: In retrospect, "so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage" was probably weird small talk for a funeral.