@MariyaAlexander: More "kills" on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is.... American Swiper.
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@DaddyJew: I'll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese "So you want a cheeseburger?" Yes but when you bring it to me say here's your salad
@KalvinMacleod: [Christmas] 6:30—kids are excited 7:30—kids are playing 8:00—kids are fighting 9:00—kids are crying 9:15—wife is yelling 9:30—I am drinking
@SteelCityDawn: Bought $200 sunglasses. Lost them in 15 minutes. Bought Walmart sunglasses. Had them for 238 years.