More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’M CRYINGGG
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors