More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
You Might Also Like
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Bring back the McRib
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.