[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her