MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.