The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments