Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.