[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.