<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
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Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less