[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
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If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Cha-ching is my safe word
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.