I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.