Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me trying to walk in a dream
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.