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@PeterClayton6: *Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
@TheBoydP: Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
@OneFunnyMummy: Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You're welcome.
@IamEnidColeslaw: my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
@dafloydsta: [commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?