*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak