[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
#parenting
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
This could’ve been an email.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.