Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?