moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Chicken bread
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore