I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Oh. My. God.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.