Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My daily affirmation
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”