most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Eat…
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.