I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
That’s it.I’m out.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?